Owen+Essay+Feedback

Owen this is a good start. One thing that will help your mark is to have one idea per sentence. Your attention grabber is interesting but it has at least three different ideas which makes it very hard to read. Your connection is very very interesting but very unclear. Who are people? Give me a clear example from the song so I can understand what you are talking about. For example " people fear the war so they try to understand the man fight in the war" this makes no sense to me. If I fear war why would I try to understand soldiers? Use the song to explain this. You thesis is also very confusing, "Empathy is a excuse fear is the reason." Excuse for what? Reason for what? It seems like you might have a strong idea here but it gets lost. Remember you can focus on just fear or empathy if you want.


 * Level 1+**