johnson+essay+feedback

Johnson this is very good start. Your attention grabber is good, but it would be better if you just started right away with the example of proposing to a girlfriend. USe this example and look at it closely. Your connection is good as well. You rightly point out that fear beats empathy. But after that you should look at this example and say WHY. What gives fear the power in that situation? If you do this you will end up with a much stronger thesis then what you have right now. Your thesis is very very unclear. I think you might be saying that people need confidence in society, that if they act with empathy that justice will support them?


 * Level 2+/3-**