Alice+Essay+Feedback

Alice this is a great start to your essay. To get to the next level you'll need to improve each section of this paragraph. Your attention grabber has a good idea, but does not grab my attention. Your saying is not really a saying and so you lose my attention because I feel you are stretching the truth. Instead say something clearly true: Empathy has many benefits. A simply sentence like that can be a great way to start your essay. Similarly your connection also suffers for a lack of clarity. Your connection is one BIG sentence and as such is just confusing. Instead break your connection down. Give one sentence about the jury's decision. One about who is understanding who's problems. And one about how the jury comes to feel equality. You do not explain any of these things and they are vital for you to end with a strong thesis. Your thesis right now is level 1. Why is equality the most important? If you develop your connection fully it should help you answer that question clearly in your thesis.


 * Level 2**