joanna+feedback

Joanna, this is a good start! You'r attention grabber is strong and clear, even shocking. Where you start running into problems is your connection. One thing to keep in mind is that in good writing one sentence leads to the next. You grab my attention with your first sentence but then I don't see what any of those words has to do with Tarzan. You need to add at least one sentence that where you show how this works. Your paragraph ends off with a MASSIVE sentence that contains both your connection and your thesis. This is a sign that you are mixing up many ideas and not saying them clearly. Take this huge sentence and cut it up into shorrt clear statement, but just as before make sure each statement leads into the next. Lastly, your thesis still doesn't give me an answer as to WHY they say such hurtful things. Look at Tarzan, why are they so mean to him? Start with a simple answer: he is different/strange (level 1 thesis). Then start asking Why, why do people tend to dislike and try to hurt people who are different?


 * Level 1+**