Shelwin+Essay+Feedback

This is a good start Shelwin, but it seems to me like you are missing something. I don't think this is the best topic for you because your paragraph is too simple. Your attention grabber doesn't really make sense (who thinks women don't do anything?), your connection does not look closely at the movie, and your thesis is not arguable (who thinks we should feel shame for women?). If I were you I would consider changing your topic for something you feel more strongly about, even if you just looked at pride and forgot women. Why are people proud, why should we be proud of ourselves?

Either way you need to end with a specific thesis that you can **argue**. Something someone could disagree with you about.


 * Level 1+/2-**