Tao's+Essay+Feedback

This is a wonderful start to your essay. Let's look at your AG first. You have an interesting idea but you do not get my attention at all. Can you think you think of an example where I would feel sad or angry. Why not just set up your connection: "If you saw a little girl lying in her own blood on the street what would you do?" That is an attention grabber. You can start with that and explain look at our assumptions ("Of course I would!") and look at why reality is different.

You've chosen a strong connection, but make sure to look in class to find out the Author of this article from the Globe and Mail (Canada doesn't have a national newspaper). Now for your connection I only want ONE connection: text to world. You also do text-to-self, but I want you to save this for your conclusion. Instead of connecting to yourself, explain this unclear sentence " So if we use empathy to think, it will be different idea in your mind.". I do not see how this applies to the little girl. Who'se perspective were those people thinking from. HOw would it change if they tried to think from the girl's perspective? Would they have helped? How do we get the courage to do something that might get us in trouble?

If you answer these questions by looking at this example you might be able to get a much stronger thesis answering WHY empathy is a useful way to think. At the moment your thesis is at level 1+.

Overal Mark **Level 2+**