Mary+Essay+Feedback

Mary this is a good start to your essay. You use the three things I am looking for in a introduction, good work!

One thing you need to fix is your idea of empathy. In your attention grabber it is not really clear and this hurts your opening. In your connection it seems this confusion becomes worse: what you describe in that movie is not empathy. Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's place, seeing the world from their perspective not your own. Empathy is understanding someone before judging them. I don't see how the father tries to understand his daughter. Are you saying we should only try to understand our friends/family when they are dying or in trouble?

I think you might be too stuck on the topic of empathy and fear. There is definitely plenty of fear in the movie, but I fail to see empathy in Taken, though I might be wrong. If you want to use this example and forget empathy you could write an essay focused just on fear.Either that or start your essay off with a clear knowledge of empathy.


 * Level 2**